To begin this post, I'd like to inform everyone that I'll be starting a new job tomorrow doing programming for the University of Michigan's solar heliospheric space research department. I'll only be working there for about 3 months; so, basically just the summer. I'll be working around 30 hours per week or so, and also still working my FileFront job. It should be nice change of pace as opposed to simply sitting at home all day watching TV, playing games, and waiting for assignments from FileFront to come.

Moving on to the actual point of this entry, I've been wondering the last few days, after numerous "run-ins" with "romance," and by "run-in," I mean running in to something; you know, like running head-first into a wall of lava, or a wall of Black Widow spiders, or a wall of poisonous spikes… Something along those lines. One of these run-ins consisted of things coming to a climax between me and a certain person who shall, of course, remain nameless as to protect her innocence. Anyway, this climax with Rebecca came to sort of a peak when she tried using my shoulder to cry on after her boyfriend dumped her, was calling herself, and I quote: "unlovable," and then something of the lines of "[She] has severe problems with depression that prevent [her] from having a real relationship." Now, this may, or may not have been a direct result of her boyfriend dumping her, but as to the actual reason, I don't really care.

Bit of background on the story: you see, Rebecca came down to visit me about 3-4 months ago, while she was still dating this boyfriend of hers, and we did a number of things that just about anyone would draw the conclusion that she had cheated on her boyfriend. Granted, I let her do this, which I felt very bad enough about… But, let's face it, I was crazy about her. I did come incredibly close to calling her boyfriend myself to tell him what she did behind his back, as a sort of confession to a very non-priest-like figure… But I never got around to doing it. Mostly because I had no idea how to get a hold of him, and I kept getting lazy about calling around. Sure she wasn't the smartest needle on the planet (definitely couldn't limit the scope to the haystack), nor the most interesting; but, I dunno, I just "felt" something with her. Granted, she works at Hooters, which should've told me right-away that this is the kind of girl I should not have a thing for… But that's beyond the point. Back to the point, while this girl was visiting me and cheating on her boyfriend, she told me on several occasions that she wanted to break up with him, and this part is key: as soon as possible. Oh, yeah, I told her on numerous occasions that I was mad about her, which will come into play in a bit.

Anyway, so she tries to cry on my shoulder after the guy breaks up with her. It was at this point that I lost it. Between the fact that she was whining about how she was "unlovable" (talking to me, a guy who has near-nil confidence when it comes to his lack of a romantic life), saying how she pitied herself, and all sorts of other bullshit. Well, it was at that point I told her: you know, you did have a guy who actually liked you (I was typing "respected," but I couldn't even say that without breaking into laughter; sorry whore), and did things with you that he doesn't do with just anyone (or simply anyone with that matter; I'm proud of my prudeness/virginity). And her response to that was "Oh! I never knew… Why didn't you tell me?" It was at this very moment that I went near-insane, just about broke into tears having been tortured by this girl who I did, do notice the past tense, really like for months because she was still dating a guy who she said she was going to break up with, only to have him break up with her in the end. Yeah, so sorry bitch. Oh, and you know that friendship thing we've had since 7th grade? Yeah, that's over too.

It was at this point that one of my ex-girlfriends from high school, who was actually one of the best girlfriends I've ever had (up to this point, I think I've had roughly 13-14 relationships), took the chance to get answers out of me while I was sad, angry, honest, vulnerable and all that good stuff. Well, she got me a mildly desperate state, where I was angry and… well… needed a girl to talk to, so I sad some stuff to her that I regret saying now. Stuff like how I wish she didn't live so far away, because I would've loved to spend more time with her. When, in actuality, I broke up with her because she's absolutely mental. Craziest girl I've ever known. Oh, and she kind of let herself go already; which says shit for her physical appearance's future. I mean, come on, she's still in high school and already letting herself go?

To deviate from the story a bit, I wish I had more confidence. I mean, I'm not a great looking guy, but I'm definitely not a bad looking guy. I have a great personality, and love making people laugh. I just don't know why I'm incapable of staying confident about myself for a decent period of time. I thought that shit went away after your mid-teenage years with hormones acting like voices inside your head telling you "You're worthless," "no, you're a teenager, you should go bone every cute girl in sight!" Yay hormones, I'm glad those things are gone. Too bad they took most my confidence I never had with them.

Anyway, getting more to the present, I then talked to one of my ex-"girlfriends" from college about stuff. She likes me, for what reasons I'll never understand, but she likes me. And it's not like she's a bad girl either. I mean, she's cute, she's nice, I can talk to her about anything… But something is wrong with it, and I don't. know. what. it. is.

Am I just looking for that fairy-tale relationship? I've grown up on movies where relationships are not only picture-perfect, but also simply perfect in every way. Do these kinds of relationships exist? Are the real relationships filled with sparks in the beginning? Should I be left doubtful about relationships? Should I just wait until I feel perfectly right about everything before I get in a relationship?

I mean, really, what the fuck?