A Romantic Storm of Insanity

The Romantic Chronicles, Part 3

Published on May 16, 2004 By mittens In Sex & Romance

Well, now that I’ve properly identified the conundrum that my mind has been facing for the last few weeks, I think it’s time for a bit of objective analysis on the situation. For those who aren’t familiar with the situation though, I’ll give a brief rundown on the happenings of the past three weeks. Being that today is Sunday, you need to go back two days to Friday, and then go back three weeks to a Friday that took place three weeks ago. You can then go read my entry from that Friday to get the low-down on what occurred that night. Once you’ve read that rather pleasant tale of my meeting of Sam, you can then read the entry on the happenings of the subsequent week. All that reading, which totals to about 4000 words or so, should get you caught up on the romantic happenings of the person that happens to be me.

I’ve come to believe that although high school relationships are, without a doubt, the most complicated relationships of one’s life; college/university relationships are definitely the most psychologically troubling. Sure, a single bad high school relationship with a girl can ruin your reputation with every girl in the school, thus preventing you from ever getting laid in your four years there ever again (unless you weren’t a promiscuous person, like myself who happens to believe your first time having sex should be an event not to be wasted on just any girl); however, being that college tends to “raise the stakes” for a relationship, it can be even worse. You’re far more likely to find the “girl [or guy] of your dreams” in college, as you’re surrounded by opportunities at almost every moment of your life on campus. If you manage to: never get a single “bite” on your analogous romantic fish pole, you may feel doomed to live alone for the rest of your still-sexually-active life.

With that said, I can say to you with all honesty that when I look for a girl, I’m not looking for a quick “bang-bang-bang, you’re out of my life now” kind of relationship. I’m looking for a bit of commitment, a special someone that I can actually talk to and open to, and a person who I, as crazy as I’m sure it sounds, enjoy spending time with. I’m not saying that whenever I see a girl, I think “Wow, I want to spend multiple years dating, then ask her to marry me since she looks like a good wife;” no, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that if I’m going to get in a relationship, I’ll try a few dates and then decide whether or not this person is the kind of person I actually want to spend a decent amount of time with. I just don’t see why you’d want to continually date someone if you see no enjoyable future with them. In my mind, the whole: meeting a girl at a party, spending the occasional night with her in her bed, rinse and repeat “thing” just isn’t appealing, nor logical, to me. If that’s what a lot of college girls enjoy, then good for them, it’s not my thing. And I’m not in any sort of desperate hurry, so… yeah. Too “bad” for them, I guess. Or me. Definitely one of the two. Unless it’s bad for some random third-party that’s watching from afar; and if that’s the case, that’s just creepy to begin with.

The problem with this whole scenario, is when I get the wrong impression about a girl when I meet her. You see, I tend to find myself rather intuitive, and though I’ll never let anyone know otherwise (if you know me, you’d guess that “intuitive” is far from a word that could be used to describe me), and trust my instincts when I meet someone. However, I’m in no way, shape or form a psychic, which means I get the supreme joy of being totally wrong about a person when I meet them. This is where the trouble comes in. If I meet a girl, and think “Wow, now this girl has some potential in the romantic department of my life,” due to the fact that her body language, things she talks about, and history that she let’s on seems to indicate that she has feelings similar to mine when it comes to dating (because, let’s face it, do any single college men walk up to women and introduce themselves thinking “Wow, she looks like she’d be a great friend and I have completely platonic feelings towards her?” I seriously doubt it). The problem comes when I realize that people, women in particular, just don’t walk around wearing signs that indicate “I’m looking for commitment,” “I just want a man to treat me badly,” or a “I’m just looking to get fucked *giggle*”

How on Earth does this apply to my current situation though? Well, that previous intuition I was talking about is generally right-on-target when it applies to everything except girls that I’m interested in. On average my intuition is right about 80% of the time when it applies to everyone that aren’t in the “women I’m interested in” group of humans, as compared to when it applies to the aforementioned group, when it just doesn’t seem to work. At all. It just fails faster than Michael Jordan’s baseball career. It’s not that I can’t figure out what a girl feels towards me, it’s just that if I try to assume her feelings, I always second-guess myself to an infinite amount, and instantly lose any sort of confidence I might have had in my thoughts.

In fact, if you get right down to it, that last sentence kind of describes my entire school of romantic thought. I’m a decently confident person when it comes to anything except my romantic life. It’s something that I’ve tried “getting over” endless amounts of times, but the only time I really feel confident in a relationship is… Well... Never. There are very, very few incidents where I feel totally confident about myself in a relationship, and can have complete trust in the fact that my “partner” feels strongly towards me. In certain cases, I have a right to not be totally trusting of a girlfriend of mine, but most of the time, I just don’t trust because of a lack of confidence in myself.

Anyhoo, now that I’ve gotten all that self-psychoanalysis out of the way, I can get to the situation at hand. The thing is, is that the situation at hand really isn’t that complex, nor is there that much to say on the matter. My problem, quite simply, is that I’m torn between my feelings between Sam and CLF. I was completely content with the fact that things were strictly platonic with CLF up until the period where I wrote my last entry on the matter; which caused me to second-guess my own thoughts… Again. The whole situation may be a moot point though, as I am pretty sure that I’ll never really “get with” CLF, though I did feel a slight amount of personal chemistry with her; nor do I have ANY idea how Sam feels.

You see, the problem isn’t that either person is better than the other…Well, yeah, that actually is a problem, because I think I have a lot longer list of things to like about CLF than I do Sam. CLF is the sweetest girl I’ve ever known, cute beyond words, and I can talk to her near-endlessly. Though it’s not like Sam is bad either; she’s got a great personality, is witty and funny, and cute (though not as cute as CLF… which may have something to do with the fact that Sam is taller than me though, and that I have a natural soft-spot for short girls like CLF). The thing that makes me a bit more tepid-feeling towards CLF is that so many different guys like her, including a couple of my friends, and, more importantly, one of my best friends. It’s not so much the “competition” that I’m worried about (though that would certainly worry me endlessly if I ever ended up with her, read: previous paragraph), it’s more that I’d feel like I was “betraying” my best friend.

All that said, I think things would be much easier for me to decide if I could actually talk to Sam, and get to know her better. Though that is made hard being that she’s on a complete different continent for the next week and a half. Pleh, sometimes I wish I could choose a subject of my life, and have the ability to just tell my brain: “Don’t think about this until I tell you to think about it again.”

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