Trent Polack's site for cats, games, game development, and undeniably powerful sociological insight all with a healthy dose of narcissism.
Selling The Drama
Published on May 20, 2006 By mittens In Dating
Prepare for melodrama.

I'm going to go ahead and violate so many of my own site-writing rules at once that, in fact, I may never be able to write again just out of the shame of my own writing infidelities. But, currently, I think this is something that needs to be done. Some people, when bad events occur, hole up in their living room with a bottle of ice cream and watch depressing movies. Some go on murderous rampages. I write a lengthy treatise on why I am the way I am in a romantic sense. Some people juggle geese.

For about the last month and a half, I have been doing my part to attract, woo if I may, a young member of the womanfolk crowd. We met in one of my creative writing classes, and eventually used the good 'ol college-stalking network known as Facebook to accumulate knowledge of each other through ridiculously lengthy e-mails which, by the time they had come to a close, had exceeded a solid 12,000 words. Then the logical advancement to instant-messenging was made, and more talking commenced. Eventually a date for breakfast was set, and things went well. A week later, and the jump into a committed relationship was made. And a bit less than two weeks later, the committed relationship was ended. By none other than me. This seems like the necessary amount of summary for me to delve into the bulk of this post: me. Because I'm my own favorite subject to talk about.

Actually, that's a lie, but that's neither here nor there.

To be totally honest, I've done a fairly good job of staying outside the dating pool throughout my time in college. I knew enough of my own tumultuous high school relationship to know that the best way for me to get into a relationship is to not be in one. So... I haven't. Whether this is for the lack of womenthings that I'd actually want to get into a relationship with or entirely of my own design I don't know. Either way, I simply hadn't even thought about a relationship (dating, yes, but not a relationship) in a long time. Though with this girl, English Girl as she had been so affectionately nicknamed by me and mine, I thought I honestly could get into a long-lasting relationship (which seemed -- and is -- what she wanted) without having to worry about my own skittishness which I had become so familiar with over the course of my life.

Here's generally how it goes: the first week is awesome. If something goes wrong in the first week, then I generally bail without a second's thought, because things shouldn't be that complicated that early on. By the time the second-third weeks occur, though, I become ridden with doubt about what I'm doing in a relationship. It doesn't matter with who, or what's been happening, but whenever I get the glimpse that there might actually be a future in any given situation, I bolt like a frightened bunny at the sight of a lawnmower. Sometimes I can get over this without a problem... Though very rarely. I can't even say I get the skittish way I am. I don’t think of myself as an immature person -- well, except when it comes to relationships. If I had to guess, I'd say it's a general inclination to continue my fairly simple, uncomplicated, and fairly hermit-like (I use this very loosely; it's not all that hermit-like, though I don't generally feel the need to fill my day with things to occupy me) daily routine. Add that with the knowledge that I get easily freaked out in relationships which seem to be moving a bit faster than I like (which generally means that they don't lie stagnant in one position for a long length of time).

But, if I have to try and really find the root of this little self-destructive dilemma of mine, I'd say that it's still because I believe in some weird kind of fantastical romance. I'm not a very emotional person, nor a very romantic one, but I do hold on to the thought that the "right" relationship will be one where the first month (or, preferably longer) simply go so well, so smoothly, and are simply so fun that there's not even a need to think about anything too serious. I figure that when I'm in the "right" relationship, that all of my romantic oddities will simply disappear, and I'll be left with only the feeling that everything about the situation is so right that when problems crop up, that I'll actually want so desperately to work through. Whenever I end a relationship, I'm left with the lingering feeling that the whole "romantic idealism" is simply impossible and that I just let the next-best thing pass me by... Though when that little thought pipes up, I generally just crush under my emotional boot and then it remembers not to pipe up about romance ever again.

And then there's also another issue I have. An issue which is probably far more applicable to the current situation; I don't want to toot my own horn or anything, but the problem is that I'm too nice. When I get into a relationship, I should just be selfish and think about my own feelings for the interim period until, like, the two people in the relationship form some kind of shared consciousness together as they bask in the sunlight on a romantic horse ride along the shores of the coastal beaches in the Caribbean. But, instead, I worry just as much about how my own indeterminate actions -- my "defeatist attitude" if I may -- will affect the other person, rather than just focusing on my own feelings. This sounds like a fairly good trait to have, but I'll be honest: it's not. It basically means that my own fears and insecurities are amplified by the lack of certainty with how the other person will feel when (there's no "if" in the thought process) I screw up. It's a fairly vicious cycle.

I mean, I realize that no relationship will ever be a completely perfect fairy-tale caliber kind of thing. Though I do maintain the viewpoint that the beginnings of one -- say the first month at the least -- should be the "high" of a relationship. Things shouldn't be difficult, but rather the interactions between the two people should feel perfectly natural and should be having the time of their lives... Or something.

Anyway, this has been entirely too much of an emo entry, and for that I do apologize. I did serve a bit of its therapeutic purpose, so I guess that's a good thing. I think I'll go drink a big helping of testosterone so I can become one of those guys who hits on the drunk womenfolk at parties/bars, proceeds to have a one-night stand, and then forget about them forever.

But, no joke, I know I'll never be that guy.

i've willed, i've walked, i've read, i've talked, i know i've been here before
Comments
on May 20, 2006
Writing this stuff down really does help. JU should start charging me for therapy sessions. I have a similar problem to yours. I'm not saying you are completely the same...but this is me....I am kind of set in my own ways. Which is worrying as I am only 22. I like my life, and to introduce someone else into it, would mean a huge amount of change for me. Which I would do, but the person would have to be worth it. That's problem number one. I also have the whole idealistic thing going on. That the perfect person will come along, and everything will fit into place, and the magic I will happen! Unfortunately my name isn't Cinderella! From experience, I can say the most worthwhile people I have met are those that have taken work. You are right the inital stages of a relationship should be all sweet and nice. Some things are worth a little hard work though, that's up to your own judgement I guess. Finally, I have a self destruct button. When things go well I seem to have to do something to mess them up, or to test them, to see if they are for real. I don't know. That's just me I guess.

Good luck I hope it all works out x
on May 20, 2006
Sounds pretty much like a verbatim description of what I'm like. I'm quite set in my ways, my routine I suppose, and introducing someone new to it is... Weird, to say the least. It was a really nice change, but as time went on (as much as time can really go on in a fairly small amount of time) I actually began to miss the laid-back way I used to conduct my days like. I can certainly appreciate that some really worthwhile partners have taken a bit of work in the past -- my best relationship up until this point in time was in a fairly unstable relationship which had some fairly extreme highs and lows... But despite the amount of drama that was present, it was still a great relationship. Though I know what you mean about the age thing; I'm currently about 21... "About?" I say this like it's a rough estimate. Anyway, the girl I'm referring to in my post was nearing 24.

Oh, and the self-destruct button. That mighty, mighty romantic tool that so very few of us were unfortunate enough to have installed into our brainthings. I know it very well. Things start working out ever-so-well, so there's that lingering desire to either see if the whole thing self-destructs or if it's strong enough to test the limits. It's not really even a conscious thing, for me, I just start feeling weird about the whole deal and something in me says "Hey, let's screw this up! Down with easy romance!"

Anyway, thanks a lot for the feedback. While it's nice to know I'm not alone in these thoughts, it's saddening to know that I'm not alone in these thoughts which means that other people can be just as miserable. And I'm fairly certain, at this point, that things won't get worked out in this particular relationship, but here's hoping that future endeavors work out.
on May 20, 2006
Oh, you sound like the male version of me, which is worrying to say the least! I really enjoy my own space, and I like time to myself. I sometimes worry that I will never be able to cope with someone on a full time basis. Ha...I don't think "cope" is the right word. Like I think about one day living with someone, and introducing them to my pattern, or them introducing me to theirs, and it scares the hell out of me. The only thing I can think, is one day I will find someone who is worth it, and they will make the whole thing alot less traumatic than it's currently playing out in my head.

I'm 23 next month, and I hope by the time I hit 24 I'm not really badly wanting to get married. Though reading what I wrote above, that would seem highly unlikely! Don't get me wrong, all that would be lovely, I'm sure. I just feel that people do these things for the sake of doing them, rather than because it feels right, and they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone. If I met someone who I was completely in love with, I'd be happy to be just with them. To me marriage wouldn't make a huge difference....but that's just me. I was going to write a whole thing about having kids...but lets not freak the whole process out completely, hehe!

About 21 huh? I thought you was older from reading your blog! I thought it was only as we got older that we became more unsure about our age. I wonder if I can get away with saying to people I'm about 21, ha!

Wow...your self destruct button works alot like mine. I don't do it purposely. I just react to things. I generally wear my heart on my sleeve, and if I feel something I say it. Not always the best course of action! I just seem to do things that are really ridiculous, and looking back I think to myself, why did you do that! It's like what you said, I think it's to see if the guy is for real, and if he won't run off at the first sign of mental illness, hehe!

You never know about this relationship. I guess that all depends on how much you like the girl, and if you want to work at things. Even though I know the way I am isn't good, I do realise that it's just me, and that's the way I am. Hopefully some poor dumb guy will fall for me, and will put up with all my crap, hehe! I like to believe that I am worth it in the end, but who knows.

Sorry for the waffle, it is stupid o'clock in the morning here, and it is my best waffling time
on May 20, 2006
The beginning of a relationship is not the "high." The beginning is just that, the beginning. Getting to know each other face to face...

I'd hate to think the best part of my 19 year marriage was the first month or two of dating..hahaha. It WASN'T.

Anyway, I just wanted to say you are over thinking this WAY too much. There is no rush right? So date as the urge strikes and eventually you will find her. She's probably looking for you right now.
on May 20, 2006
Ah, Sally, my female doppelganger. If this were brought up under any other circumstances (ie, non romantically-related), I'd say that was neat. But under the current conversational topic, I can just say: "I'm sorry" and hope you have better luck than I do at some point.

The current trends on marriage are disturbing, to say the least. It seems like marriage these days is generally done as more of a potential solution to relationship problems than an actual commitment to two people as lovers (or whatever). But… Instead of that commitment it's generally, as I just said, a hypothetical solution to fix the problems of a relationship. I would venture a guess that these superficial approaches to marriage are part of the reason that so very many married couples get divorced now-a-days than in the past. As for me, and I was just talking about this with one of my friends yesterday, I don't really ever see myself actually getting married. Maybe a mostly-successful relationship or two, but I simply don't ever really see myself settling down and tying the knot. But I figure that if that day comes, it'll be one of the most secure and sound decisions that I'll ever make. I just do not see myself getting married unless I was absolutely positive that I wanted to be with said hypothetical girl foreverandever until debtdeath do us part or whatever.

Then again, that's so far down the line that I don't think about it unless it gets brought up in some conversation somewhere at sometime.

And while I may, in fact, come off as older than my age online, in person I'm frequently told that I look far younger than 21. Well… Perhaps not "far younger," but there has been an occasion or two where I still get carded for entry into an R-rated movie. Which is… Disheartening, to say the least. Though, usually, I gave up trying to figure out the age of a person online -- some people just have such radically different writing styles that it's simply hard to figure it out… Though instant-messaging tends to make writing a bit more apparent as far as the age of the writer is concerned.

And, yay self-destruct. I'm not a very outwardly emotional person or anything of the sorts… But I am a very honest person (or so I like to think, anyway). So generally if I have something to say to a person, I don't do the whole song and dance like trying to appear concerned in front of someone so they can ask "What are you thinking? You look preoccupied, Trent." I just generally say what's on my mind… Which, as you said, leads to troubles occasionally. It's not necessarily something bad to say, usually, but definitely something that may make things a bit weird.

As for what Tova said, I'm absolutely certain that I'm over thinking a lot of stuff. It's one of the most annoying personal habits in my arsenal, but something I can't really help. And, don't get me wrong by the post, I'm not in any sort of "rush." I gave up relationships up until this girl came along, and now I'll probably go back to just very casual dating every now and then. I think it's safe to say that, now, I'll be even more avoidant of any relationships unless something truly strikes me as a good idea.

Love the comments, though!
on May 21, 2006
Thinking about this, I quite like the way I am. I mean I know that I do have a habit of messing things up for myself, but when it comes to relationships, and romance and all that stuff I am very old fashioned. Many people my age can jump into relationships more often than they change their underwear. I'm not like that. I have to take time to get to know someone, and to make sure everything feels right....then I mess it up, haha! I completely agree about the marriage thing, plus I think it's so much of a headache to organise one day. I really don't want to be the centre of attention, and I don't need to declare my love in front of loads of people I only see on birthdays and at christmas. I can manage without doing that! Ha...I sound really miserable. It's just the way I see things. My cousin is organising her wedding at the moment, and it's just a nightmare, stress after stress...it does make me wonder if it is actually worth it!

People say I look younger too. Something that I hate now, but I am sure when I hit 50 I will see that as a blessing. Knowing my luck, I'll just age all of a sudden when I hit 30, and look terrible! Instant messaging is a curse. I'm a really lazy typing, which means that I end up shortening everything, and coming across as a "bit stupid". Maybe that isn't an illusion created by instant messenger though...hmm....

I say what I think, and that's the end of it. I like people to know where they stand with me, and I like people to be like that with me. I can't stand spending time with someone and constantly wondering what they are thinking, or unsure where I stand with them. One of my biggest problems is, I react immediatly to thing. My mouth goes into gear, and my brain is lagging behind. Not always good., but people get my gut reaction, so I guess that's good!

Is the girl you was in relations with English?
on May 22, 2006
You silly boys. You shouldn't bolt. That just drives us CRAZY.

You've read my story, Trent, so no need to go into that here. But, let me tell you, you do need to think about yourself. It's great to put someone else first, make sure they are ok and their needs are met. But, eventually, you realize that your needs are not being met and that leads to frustration and anger.

I like your one-week rule though. You're very right, if things are that complicated in the first week, then it isn't worth it. In fact, if you frown more than you smile, then the relationship probably won't work.

I'm only 22, and I want to get married... so much so that I'm afraid it may have clouded my judgement as far as my guy goes. Of course, second guessing myself doesn't help either, so I'm trying to "let go and let god". Trying to just let the ride take me where it will and not worry.
on May 22, 2006
Well, as a bit of a BREAKING UPDATE, and enduring far more personal shots and passive-aggressive insults I got the girl to calm down a bit after a bit of sweet-talking (it's the boyish charm at work ), and I talked her into not trying to excommunicate me entirely.

And, heh, no to the English thing. The acronym EG (English Girl) was given because I met her in one of my English classes. Whenever my friends or I meet a new girl, we generally gave the girl an acronym and use it in both online and real-life speech. It's a very unique practice to be sure, but a kind of neat little tradition that we have amongst our "inner-circle." In the past there has been TPC (The Perfect Girl -- who, really, turned out to be anything but) and TPC2.0, CG (Cute Girl), also CBG (Chain-Belt Girl), or PG (Punk Girl). It's a very odd thing to do, to be sure. But it's kinda fun.

And, yeah, my main problem with relationships is that I don't think about myself enough. I keep thinking that bolting would generally be the best thing for the person I'm with -- which isn't to say that I haven't broken up with people because I couldn't stand them, I have -- but in a relationship where things actually work, the most common reason I bolt is because: 1) Things got too... "Physical" a bit too fast for my liking (or they formed the basis of the relationship), 2) Things just went too fast in general, 3) I don't think I can be what the girl needs me to be. So, yeah, sometimes thinking too much about the other person is not the greatest thing in the world.

And thanks again for the comments; it's been great to read other people's thoughts and opinions. Maybe I should write personal entries a bit more often.
on May 23, 2006
OOooh a double date! I hate them.....but that's just me. At least you convinced her to give you a chance, and to at least have some kind of communication! If you like her, and get on well with her, then only positive things can come of that. I think it is good to be friends first then you have a solid base to work from! Men always get me with their boyish charm. Honest, it is so easy to sweet talk me. All I have to hear is a few sweet things, and I'm gone, haha! Maybe I shouldn't share this information...hmm...! Did you explain the situation to her, and where she stood with you? Because aslong as you did, I think it is a positive step, well done!

Ahh well I was going to tell you how wonderful us English chicks are, but I won't bother now, ha! I think when most people meet me I'm known as the gobby chick! I tend to talk alot.....you can just call me GB from now on, haha!

You know, thinking about things is one of my biggest problems. I can create a dilema that is only really alive in my head, and then all my decisions are based on this imaginary thing that's going on my head. Lordy I think I need therapy. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow, and see where things go. Not every relationship you get into will be a long term thing. People have the ability to surprise you though. What you think is best for someone, might not actually be what is best for them. Us girlies are clever creatures, we know what we are doing. You should worry about yourself more! The love guru has spoken!

You are most welcome for the comments, and personal blogs are good. I tend to do a mixture of them. Sometimes it's nice to get a different perspective on things. Please let us know how the double date went! That's presuming you survived it....hehe....(just kidding!)

on May 26, 2006
Well, as a quick (although late) update on the situation, the double-date on Monday night ended up being more of a group thing. Two couples (me and EG and then two of her friends), along with her sister and two of her other friends (who I'd met before and got along surprisingly well with). The night actually went great. We all had a really good time on the whole.

As far as EG and I are concerned now, though, I'm fairly certain things are back to the way they were... Albeit with some slight changes in how certain things are handled between the two of us. For me, this means that I just need to be a bit more open with what I'm feeling and, essentially, try not to overthink every little thing/action. For her, this means accepting that I'll need my space occasionally and that she doesn't need to worry as much about venting her thoughts about stuff to me. Also, one of the more important things, is that the more "physical stuff" is slowed down to a heavy extent. That wasn't really one of her concerns, but it was mine, as when I'm in a relationship, physical relations tend to get screwy for me in the general sense. I either start seeing a girl as too avoidant entirely (though, I've never had that actually happen, save once) or a relationship starts to get an "entirely physical" vibe in my eyes, and that's something I'm generally cautious about. I'm not exactly the kind of guy who is all about sex (in fact, I'm not at all). I'm of the mindset that it's the kind of thing that's reserved for two people who actually "love" each other, whatever that means, as opposed to something just done out of boredom or social necessity. Anyhoo, that's my little rant on the whole thing; in short, things seem to be alright.

I've never actually known an English girl personally; I'm thinking I need to head to the UK and get some first-hand experience with these girls. Maybe I can pick up a sexy accent if I spend enough time there.
on May 27, 2006
Ahh I'm so glad that you seem to have sorted things out, and you both now know where you stand a little better! I think you are totally right, to just think about things a little less, and go with the flow more. If things are meant to progress they will. Just enjoy each others company for now, and get the good stuff out of it!

I agree with you about the whole phyisical thing. Though it is an important element of a relationship, it is only one part of it, and many people seem to concentrate on that more than anything else. Before I can be close to someone, I need to feel a connection with them, and I need to care about them, and for me it needs to be a natural progression from feelings I already have. I guess I'm just a little old fashioned!

I hate my accent! I don't think the English accent is sexy at all, but hey maybe I'm just used to it. You should visit the UK, us English chicks can be quite welcoming!
on Jun 04, 2006
yeah, trent, wtf? friday, the day after the thursday.. the day i went to PA. also the time when you reconsidered everything between us.

okay, all i can say here is YOU MESSED IT UP!

I just can't believe any of this. You seriously have issues.